Archive for April, 2014

I look to the sky and I dream, I dream of things that can never be

Of things wanted, but will never be mine

I wait for sorrow, devastation, and loneliness to come in due time

This is the world I’ve built, I’ve told my heart I’ll never be free

To think of things pure and right, no, I should just be happy to be alive

What right do I have to believe I deserve to be happy?

To have a loving wife and a wonderful family?

Always darkness, always pain, I’m an oxymoron, for good I strive

Striving to do good, but feeling I don’t deserve it to come back to me

People look at me strange but they would understand if they could see

No, they wouldn’t, because all I tell myself is lies

But the agony in my soul just won’t go away with the stroke of a brush

But still the dreams I dream seem as unlikely as castles in the sky

I can’t wait for the future, but there always is the past, reminds me not to rush

How will the ones I love feel when I tell them the truth?

When I look back and show them mountains of proof

How can dark utterances endear anyone to me?

The one I’ll end up loving doesn’t deserve a tainted thing like me

She deserves someone better, who never compromised

Who didn’t drink the dark and didn’t enslave themselves to lies

Why should someone good say yes to my bloodied hands?

Why should she look over the weighted chains of my shame?

Why should she agree to join me and make our house in unknown lands?

How could she not look upon me with eyes that are changed?

None are perfect, this I know, but I feel like the lone fallen

In a sea of white, a traitor to my king, a disease to my realm

Castles crumble in my mind, the sky falls swiftly

Every time I dream, I am pulled back by gravity

Others smiling, telling me, pleading, I deserve to be happy

I deserve to rot for what I’ve done, not have joy with its trappings

Take it all God, take the pain, the lies…dear God, take the helm

I want to happy, I want to love, I don’t want to live alone, sullen

The fighting in my mind, oh how I hate myself

I must admit I’m frightened of the possibility

Of how the dynamic will change once all is known

Let me step in faith, in You trusting

That she won’t despise me, sending me to her personal hell

That she can still smile, can still trust in me

That she won’t say two little letters, N-O

Not that I’ll blame her, but to my soul it would be crushing

Give me the strength to reach that day

That I’ll no longer let doubt quash the dreams hoped for, my hopes belie

Give me the thoughts to think, give me the words to say

But most important, give me the hope to reach my castles in the sky